just double checkin'!

lately, i have been getting into the questioning stage. do i really believe in God, or am i being blasphemes? do i want my life to be like this? where do i want to go with my career or do i not even have a single clue. do i want to start a new chapter completely and not have anything to do with the last?

and here are the answers after a few weeks of tossing and turning...
do i really believe in God, or am i being blasphemes? I DO believe in God. remember when His mighty hand saved my life, four times?
do i want my life to be like this? I want my life to be Christ-centered and not me-centered.
where do i want to go with my career or do i not even have a single clue? i dont have a clue, but God does. its time to man up and trust in Him.
do i want to start a new chapter completely and not have anything to do with the last? yes and no. i dont want the sin to drag on with me, it needs to be placed at the cross daily. but, how could i live with out Qwanoes, the friendships, brother and sister-hoods created? i cant. i need that support.

its time to grow up, yes. but, i do not need to screw myself over by doing foolish things. i live and learn, yes but i am also resting on the Lords saving grace. two things which i need to continually remember:
i am not perfect, sometimes i am meant to make mistakes and learn from them
i am a child of God and if i do fall, i cannot bottle it away. it needs to be given to Jesus.


i needed to just 'vent' that. it wasn't really a vent, more a reminder ;)

i need Him. i can't ever do it on my own,

and these are the words i speak,
because the Lord has told me,

"I am free."

me in a week...not the best, but an update for you friends.

i am searching, and running with arms open wide to cling onto the first thing i see. this is so dangerous and i definitely learnt the hard way. this week i have been talking with an old friend whom her and i used to have a "fling". so, it has been good because we are past that (she has a boyfriend and i love Jesus A LOT more). anyways, she works at starbucks and told me to apply because they are looking. so i did with extreme hopes of just getting the job. im still working at timmies and getting in the mind set that im quitting...but, im not yet. i also decided to take math 11P through a night class. so, im dealing with the "stress" of math. but mainly, i have not been praying about any of this and doing it on my own; clinging onto the first thing that will fill my life. i still don't know if i will even get an interview at starbucks, so that shattered. i am doing alright with math, but its taking up time. also, talking with some friends and how good they feel and everything has been making me kind of jealous (i think im beginning to struggle with this)

this leads me to say that i am feeling pretty lost. i know i should lean on the Lord, but this week i did not. last night my mum had a friend over and she came into my room after a few hours to close my window. i asked her why and she said she didnt want the smoke to blow in. i asked her, "what smoke" because she never closes the window when she smokes cigarettes, so i knew she was smoking pot. i asked her, "are you smoking pot" and she said, "does it matter". one thing you should know, i hate seeing my mum smoke, drink, or smoke pot. i fell into smoking cigarettes last year and when i was 14 i told my mum my testimony and asked her if she smoked or drank or did drugs when she was pregnant with me (ill explain in my testimony), she said no. But, two day before CIT she smoked pot with friends and then the next day i asked her if she smoked or drank, etc while she was pregnant with me and she said "yes, a bit". anyways, so since then that part of our relationship is very sensitive to me, one of the ways i used to deal with it was giving into my temptations. so, last night, when all that occurred, i tried to fight the temptation on my own(because i told Jesus to bugger off all week) and i obivously fell. so, last night was horrible. but, i facebooked my friend who is my accountability partner and told him straight up everything and then went to sleep...

but when i woke up today, i tried to avoid it. then, when i was showering, i put a playlist on random and sure enough amazing because it is-the almost came on. it reminded me that God is always there. then, laughing with-regina spektor came on and reminded me of the brokenness in this world. then, dirty and left out-the almost came on and reminded me of the shame that i felt in my life and still tend to feel. i am slowing trying to come back to the Lord today, but this is once again a huge thing i have to work through. it was the first time in 2 months, or more...! Praise God.

so, if you could PLEASE pray for me!

i have been feeling His love through out the day, but i cant let satan win. help me in my struggles, friends :)

with a smile on my face, i simply am telling you whats on my mind...

i want my music to explode into something huge, but what does Jesus want?
i want to go to school and work to have money, but what does Jesus want?
i want to be in a relationship, but what does Jesus want?
i want this, i want that, but what does Jesus want?

also,
what do i need?

is it over, or has the fun just begun?

summer is coming to a close. the long sunsets of orange and pink cotton candy clouds and scorching sun rays are taking a rest for another year. this summer was like none other. being able to go back home to camp for 11 weeks was tremendous. their were definitely times when i wished i wasn't there because i was being pushed past my comfort zone. how foolish of me to complain at those times because now when i look back on it i am a stronger person (physically, emotionally and spiritually ;) ). at times i felt as though no one wanted to be my friend, but i still stayed and prayed over that situation and sure enough, God blessed me and answered me by giving me people who cared for me. he healed many broken friendships this summer, as well as bringing some to a close. but, i did fall this summer. into many old routines i already fell when i came home for three days in the summer and also the first day i was home from summer ending. BUT, through this i have come such a long way. i recently found some old notes that i wrote to God (i used to pray on paper all the time), and i could see the brokenness in those notes. i could sense a form of bondage to my sin. i was absolutely trapped. but now, oh but now i see the light. i run to it at any given chance. i am not scared of the God i serve. i am fearful of his mighty power, but i am filled with the joy and forgiveness he freely gives to me every single day.

it has been weird being immersed back into the broken culture in which i live, but God is walking with me, carrying me, or holding my hand. He is not only my Father, but my friend.

while i was at camp, i wrote something at around 1 or 2 in the morning. this is what i wrote:
"i raise my hands when im in worship because i feel the Lords angels running with me while God is holding my hand and running with me through a field of daisies and tall grass."

this is how i hope to live the rest of my days. in complete comfort and adoration of the Lord i love and serve. i know that i am free and i pray that this fire burning inside of me will not burn out or come close to lessening. i need to continue to dive into the holy words of the Bible, but it is a struggle as most of us know. remember, the Bible is the one book that the enemy does not want us to read. slap satan in the face by reading it daily!

here is a photo memoir that i believe captures most of the summer,
this is in victoria, when on a day off in between camps, a few staff and i went to the breakwater to play worship music and as we were walking, their was a thunder and lightning storm as well as this sunset. the night continued with us playing guitar while their was a ridiculous rainstorm in which we all were wearing nothing to keep us dry. it was phenomenal. i was so fortunate to have one of my vests leak out colour onto the t-shirt i was wearing underneath and have that material item to keep this memory permenantly stained on! haha. p.s- im wearing that shirt now, ironic?

blessings brothers and sisters.