me in a week...not the best, but an update for you friends.

i am searching, and running with arms open wide to cling onto the first thing i see. this is so dangerous and i definitely learnt the hard way. this week i have been talking with an old friend whom her and i used to have a "fling". so, it has been good because we are past that (she has a boyfriend and i love Jesus A LOT more). anyways, she works at starbucks and told me to apply because they are looking. so i did with extreme hopes of just getting the job. im still working at timmies and getting in the mind set that im quitting...but, im not yet. i also decided to take math 11P through a night class. so, im dealing with the "stress" of math. but mainly, i have not been praying about any of this and doing it on my own; clinging onto the first thing that will fill my life. i still don't know if i will even get an interview at starbucks, so that shattered. i am doing alright with math, but its taking up time. also, talking with some friends and how good they feel and everything has been making me kind of jealous (i think im beginning to struggle with this)

this leads me to say that i am feeling pretty lost. i know i should lean on the Lord, but this week i did not. last night my mum had a friend over and she came into my room after a few hours to close my window. i asked her why and she said she didnt want the smoke to blow in. i asked her, "what smoke" because she never closes the window when she smokes cigarettes, so i knew she was smoking pot. i asked her, "are you smoking pot" and she said, "does it matter". one thing you should know, i hate seeing my mum smoke, drink, or smoke pot. i fell into smoking cigarettes last year and when i was 14 i told my mum my testimony and asked her if she smoked or drank or did drugs when she was pregnant with me (ill explain in my testimony), she said no. But, two day before CIT she smoked pot with friends and then the next day i asked her if she smoked or drank, etc while she was pregnant with me and she said "yes, a bit". anyways, so since then that part of our relationship is very sensitive to me, one of the ways i used to deal with it was giving into my temptations. so, last night, when all that occurred, i tried to fight the temptation on my own(because i told Jesus to bugger off all week) and i obivously fell. so, last night was horrible. but, i facebooked my friend who is my accountability partner and told him straight up everything and then went to sleep...

but when i woke up today, i tried to avoid it. then, when i was showering, i put a playlist on random and sure enough amazing because it is-the almost came on. it reminded me that God is always there. then, laughing with-regina spektor came on and reminded me of the brokenness in this world. then, dirty and left out-the almost came on and reminded me of the shame that i felt in my life and still tend to feel. i am slowing trying to come back to the Lord today, but this is once again a huge thing i have to work through. it was the first time in 2 months, or more...! Praise God.

so, if you could PLEASE pray for me!

i have been feeling His love through out the day, but i cant let satan win. help me in my struggles, friends :)