a tapestry of trust.

lately i have been trying to find my "nitch". you know, that place or thing that just suites you perfectly. for some, it may be dance, others sewing. i have been experimenting with music, yoga, art, etc etc. and all i have come up with is, "yes, i enjoy all these things, but they are not sufficient."(if you know where this is going, shhh) through the course of trying to find out my "thing" i have been lacking my trust in the Lord. i still do indeed trust him; he is my God. but, i feel as if he is not the center of it all, which is so imparitive to growth.

as a few of my friends have been talking about lately, we need to be kids again. like a boy about to let go of the handlebars for the first time to balance with no hands. like a little girl jumping off the trampoline into her daddies arms. children trust in their mums and dads. they trust in some divine spirit to keep them balanced on a bike. they dont know how they do it, they just do. we need to tap back into this lost tapestry of trust, because that is what trust is, one big blanket that saves us. the child would fall without the "blanket of trust" surrounding them.

so, good ol' scattered brained me is really trying to say that yes, i enjoy the things i do, but as i do them, i need to place Christ completely in my heart. He needs to pump blood through my heart, he needs to be the center of it all.

also, because i have lost this tapestry of trust, i have begun to take many things to heart. i have been getting offended at things which simply showcase the brokenness of our world. it has nothing to do with ME, but i have been warping and twisting it so that it does concern me. i need to let go and place it all in the palms of Jesus.

with hands and heart open wide, i surrender all.

seated where i dont belong.

i fell again. man, this feeling of destruction sure does suck. but i would like to turn this negativity into positivity. from the true words of leeland, "this world has left me lame.even in my weakness, the Savior called my name. in His Holy presence, i am healed and unashamed. i was carried to the table, seated where i dont belong. carried to the table, swept away by his love. and i dont see my brokenness anymore, when im seated at the table of the Lord. i am carried to the table, the table of the Lord."

amen.

i am home.

as i entered the gates of qwanoes, i wanted myself to feel out of place and in need of attention. but, instead of that, as i entered this property in which i refer to as "home" throughout the year, i do not feel as if i am in an awkward setting or a stranger. no, i feel home. its not just something i say when i miss qwanoes, it is the truth now. wherever the LORD is, that is home. so, idealy, home is where my heart is. but, multiple hearts are connected at camp. most of my friends, brothers and sister. camp is where i genuinly found Christ. this is such a [strage] but amazing feeling.

as i walked around searching for someone, i just grabbed a cup of joe as if it were the middle of august. i walked around not being scared to be completely alone(in the physical), but feeling more safe than i do for ten months of the year. turns out i found some folks washing dishes and as i saw them and they saw me they didnt treat me "special", but they treated me as if i was home. handing me a tray to put dishes on. i was overwhelmed with joy by this action.

some reading this might ask, "what? are you serious? dont you wish they, like, jumped for joy when they saw you?" and my answer to that is well, yes, its cool to get all excited. but i dont expect my mum to jump for joy everyday i come home from school. if this is "home" then i should be asked to immediatley help out. to say the least, i am so ecstatic to serve at "home" this weekend!


well, scatter-brained daniel is unfortunatley losing his train of thought...

Godbless and may Christs will be done!

have an issue, heres a tissue and Jesus.

im losing myself.
ive lost myself.

i don't know where i stand in this world. i also don't think i need to know, but i want to. my life with the LORD is constant; day in, day out trust. but, i feel like i am lacking something. i feel like i have lost something i once had. but i don't know what it is.

nevershoutnever's newest song "losing it" speaks about christofer drew's experience of falling inlove, which lead to him losing his virginity and then he found out the girl had been cheating on him.

no, i did not lose my virginity.

but, this is how i feel. i feel like i have lost something that i can never get back. but i don't know what i have lost. this is very frustrating to try and put into context because on my outward appearance, i am happy. genuinly, truly happy with everything. but, deep down in my heart, i feel many things are obscure and quite abstract. i wonder if it is something physically changing in me(puberty?haha) or if it is more than duplicating cell-structures. maybe this whole time i have been saying, "i am so wonderful. God is good." but not fully meaning it, or even understanding what i am saying.
i dont have anything to hold back. i have thrown myself into humiliation at the feet of the Lord; therefor, i have nothing to be scared of. this world does not bind me to its sinfulness anymore.

i am free.
but i feel trapped. like im stuck in this glass bottle. no escape. i will pretend to mean it when i say, "i am happy" when i do not even truly know.

that feels amazing to get off my chest. a lot is changing in my life, physically and spiritually. i think God is just preparing me for something. but, i don't know anything, gosh!

instead of whining and complaining, i am going to trust.

Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight."

amen.