have an issue, heres a tissue and Jesus.

im losing myself.
ive lost myself.

i don't know where i stand in this world. i also don't think i need to know, but i want to. my life with the LORD is constant; day in, day out trust. but, i feel like i am lacking something. i feel like i have lost something i once had. but i don't know what it is.

nevershoutnever's newest song "losing it" speaks about christofer drew's experience of falling inlove, which lead to him losing his virginity and then he found out the girl had been cheating on him.

no, i did not lose my virginity.

but, this is how i feel. i feel like i have lost something that i can never get back. but i don't know what i have lost. this is very frustrating to try and put into context because on my outward appearance, i am happy. genuinly, truly happy with everything. but, deep down in my heart, i feel many things are obscure and quite abstract. i wonder if it is something physically changing in me(puberty?haha) or if it is more than duplicating cell-structures. maybe this whole time i have been saying, "i am so wonderful. God is good." but not fully meaning it, or even understanding what i am saying.
i dont have anything to hold back. i have thrown myself into humiliation at the feet of the Lord; therefor, i have nothing to be scared of. this world does not bind me to its sinfulness anymore.

i am free.
but i feel trapped. like im stuck in this glass bottle. no escape. i will pretend to mean it when i say, "i am happy" when i do not even truly know.

that feels amazing to get off my chest. a lot is changing in my life, physically and spiritually. i think God is just preparing me for something. but, i don't know anything, gosh!

instead of whining and complaining, i am going to trust.

Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight."

amen.