vanity insanireality.

self consciousness has always been on the back of my mind. i can never be full content with how i look. most people struggle with this and i know they understand what it feels like to feel like they shouldnt go out into public and how much it sucks to feel that.

as i have been growing with God more and more on an intimate level, i am discovering how much satan thrives on telling me i am ugly and shouldnt go out into the world. but, thats the key, we need to be out in the world, spreading the love of Christ.

i am finding it to be continually more challenging to get over the fact that i do not like the way i look, and i think that is because satan has a strong foothold on this idea of vanity insanireality; its insane, but its a reality for many people. i am learning slowly how to give it over to God because i know it is strongly restraining me from going out into the world and reaching my fullest potential, but this is a very difficult thing to give over when it has surrounded me like dense fog on an autumn day for so long.

through all of this, i am also finding i was putting a time limit of God. you know, the "okay God, if this doesnt by this time, then im moving on..." maybe you havent said those exact words, or to that extent, but i have and i feel so convicted by it. i know it is wrong and our God is timeless and can do anything possible and impossible. Our God is a God of astronomical surprises and if i put a time limit on that, well, i will not receive all of Gods goodness.

mmm, i needed to get that out in the air because it has been on my heart for years. i mean, it is more extreme than that in certain times, but this is mainly how i feel day in, day out; convicted of being self conscious and knowing that it is hindering my realtionship with our Lord God, Adonai.